“It’s just a baby. It’s no different than caring for a dog”
No different, eh? How about we rephrase that into Kenny language:
“It’s just a baby. It’s no different than smuggling a Mexican across the border with a bag full of cocaine.”
Now you catch my drift?
I continuously get asked the same questions from close friends once in a while. Many of them already know where I stand when it comes to marriage, lifestyle, and career. But for a small glimpse of hope they think my answer will change whenever they ask: “Do you want children?” sometime they’ll add “yet.” to the end of it.
The answer for a long time will always be: FUCK NO.
Get it. Write it down—with a permanent marker. Read it—over and over again. It ain’t gonna change honey!
A friend very close to me is trying to have a baby. She just found out that she may be with child.
Yay! Yeepee! Better you than me, is what I have to say to that.
The other day she sent me a text of all the things she ate that day (mind you, she just found out she MAY be pregnant less than 24 hours prior to the text):
This is what I ate today: 2 waffles, sushi (cucumber and daikon maki), half a cupcake, poke kimchee cucumber, cheese burger and fries, pizza, ice cream and pie. Seriously, I must be pregnant!
If only I weren’t drunk and my phone was on it’s last life-line when I received that text I would have texted back:
It’s only 8:00PM, here is my list: 2 éclairs stuffed with custard filling and drenched in powder sugar, 4 fruit bar thingys, 2 tacos, 1 burrito, beef stew with rice, 1 red bull, 4 Dirty Bombay Martinis, 6 slices of pepperoni and sausage pizza, 1 corona, 1 Kobe Beef slider with French fries and some really amazing mayo-base dipping sauce, and one big “you’re overreacting” leftovers just for you!
But alas, I guess my “angel” came out and saved me from saying such harsh things. Shit. My 7 year old nephew could eat that amount of food and still down a can of coke!
I don’t hate children–I dislike children.
Recently I read another blogger’s list of reasons why they hate children, here is my version:
Top 5 reasons why I hate children:
1) They are shopping plagues!
If I could, I would scream, hit, trap and frighten any child that makes my shopping experience horrible. A mall IS NOT a fucken playground for your pests to run around screaming and hiding in the damn racks and playing “peek-a-boo” with whomever walks by. Children are devious little bastards, they train their parents well. When they want something they will whine and throw their tantrums until their parent gives in.
Malls, supermarkets and businesses need to forbid children to enter during peak hours, much like parking down in Chinatown from 6-9AM and 3-6PM is prohibited because of prime traffic time.
2) They replace YOU
“Hey John, how’s life going?”
“Oh man! Peter has baseball practice almost everyday, games every weekend, and he currently has to deal with diarrhea!”
(Damnit! I don’t give a crap about your little bastard, I asked about you and secondly you didn’t have to go into detail about his health!)
“Hey Kritine, Lets go grab some drinks after work today?”
“Oh, I can’t. I have to take Rachel to her friends place, they are having a sleep over. To talk about sports bras and boys penis’.”
(Frick, why can’t so-called friends parents pick her up!?)
3) They are spot-light stealers
We all know its ALWAYS about Kenny and my Kennergy. And when I head over to a friends house and they have a child, those little bastards think they are the center of attention. Shoving crayons and books into my face as to allude me to sit down and play with them. I want nothing more than to feed you those crayons and watch you poop rainbows!
4) They’ve got crappy jokes.
What did Justin Bieber’s mom sing to him when he was a baby? Baby, baby, baby ohh…
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face.
How did Jordan Sparks die? She had no air, air…
5) They remind me of midgets. (If you don’t understand this, please refer to: Dashboard Confessions)
Don’t get me wrong. I admire people who love, want, and care for children—endlessly, effortlessly and put in all the money for them. But, I like to keep my money to myself. I like to buy shiny things.
Children are annoying little shits! They are miniature drunken adults that say and do things without ever thinking.
I am the type of person to google “10 gifts parents hate when you give their kids”.